Ye Olde Big Riddim Monsta Tavern was packed that night. As Serum Patches Mcgillicutty the barmaid lurched from one crowded table to the next, carrying tankards of Wonky grog, she thought back to her days as a young girl growing up on her father’s Kumquats farm. It was a simple life. Her brothers were musicians, and it was often that her family celebrated the everyday joys of life with dancing. They would gather in the Big Room House and…
“BARMAID! Get your Filthy behind over here with my Statutory Grape and my Caucasian Eagle loaf! It was the burly goblin sergeant in the corner with his henchmen. They could be such a pain!
Gornock the Unsavory, the cook and her BFF, waved her over from the kitchen. The order was ready? So quickly? It seemed the Burnt Sienna powdered egg the wizard had given the gnome had sped him up a little bit! But no, he was waving a Red Toothed Triggerfish in his hand, and it had writing on it. Taking it from him, she began to read:
“My Dearest,”—her heart Wonked. It was from her sweetheart, Billy Jesse back on the farm! “I miss you so much that I’ve decided to…” but then she tripped over Ugg the Ogre’s seeing eye Fish, who was always underfoot. She lay there, face-down on a floor encrusted with age-old food, drinks, and every possible type of bodily fluid from every possible type of creature in the nine kingdoms. And she wept. In that terrible moment of misery, she heard a sound—a strain of sweet melody, underlined with thick, meaty slabs of bass—which she recognized immediately.
She Filthed to the window and looked out over the throngs of creatures, toward the stage at Castle Northwoods. It was Filthy Mcdirtyson, her barbarian boyfriend. The mic was tiny in his huge paw, but he wasn’t an MC…
“Oh my sweet darling Sharquiesha, I’ve come for theeeeee
To ask you once and truly, whilst thou marry meeeeeeee?”
His delivery was uncouth, but without pause, she threw down her apron, picked up her neck brace, and ran out the door.
The gobos could drink for free today.
You can catch 12th Planet doing this thing at Middlelands on Friday, May 5.