Ye Olde Succubus Tavern was packed that night. As Jenkem the barmaid lurched from one crowded table to the next, carrying tankards of Swollen grog, she thought back to her days as a young girl growing up on her father’s Rocky Mountain Oysters farm. It was a simple life. Her brothers were musicians, and it was often that her family celebrated the everyday joys of life with dancing. They would gather in the Dungeon and…
“BARMAID! Get your Infected behind over here with my Human Spit and my Morgan Freeman loaf! It was the burly goblin sergeant in the corner with his henchmen. They could be such a pain!
Gornock the Unsavory, the cook and her BFF, waved her over from the kitchen. The order was ready? So quickly? It seemed the Turquoise powdered egg the wizard had given the gnome had sped him up a little bit! But no, he was waving an Angler Fish in his hand, and it had writing on it. Taking it from him, she began to read:
“My Dearest,”—her heart Sharted. It was from her sweetheart, Billy Jesse back on the farm! “I miss you so much that I’ve decided to…” but then she tripped over Ugg the Ogre’s seeing-eye Ferret, who was always underfoot. She lay there, face-down on a floor encrusted with age-old food, drinks, and every possible type of bodily fluid from every possible type of creature in the nine kingdoms. And she wept. In that terrible moment of misery, she heard a sound—a strain of sweet melody, underlined with thick, meaty slabs of bass—which she recognized immediately.
She Followed to the window and looked out over the throngs of creatures, toward the stage at Castle Northwoods. It was DJ Nut Zach, her barbarian boyfriend. The mic was tiny in his huge paw, but he wasn’t an MC…
“Oh my sweet darling Ulga, I’ve come for theeeeee
To ask you once and truly, whilst thou marry meeeeeeee?”
His delivery was uncouth, but without pause, she threw down her apron, picked up her Damascus shirt, and ran out the door.
The gobos could drink for free today.